Attn: Didi Benami

After I saw your very first audition, I decided you were going to be my pick to win this year.  After last week, when the judges panned you for trying to climb out of your box, I fear you’re in danger of not even making it to the top 12, so I’m going to need you to be awesome tonight, okay?  Even if it means climbing right back into that folksy singer-songwriter girl-with-guitar box that the judges want you in (even though they’ll then say you need to change things up).  But yes, I like you, and I’d like to see you go far on this show, so please pick a good song this week.

They should have named last week’s Survivor episode after Boston Rob’s comment about Russell being a hobbit on crack.  Best line ever. 

Top 20 on American Idol “singing” “I Got a Feeling” = so much cheese.

Yet again.

Let’s just get this out of the way.  Shut up, Sonny.  Even though you weren’t on the show today, enough people talked about you that you might as well have been on the show.  Shut up.  Shut up.  Shut up.

Let me spell it out so everyone in Port Charles can understand.  Dante = Awesome.  Sonny = Not awesome.  Therefore, Dante is not Sonny, because Dante is awesome while Sonny is decidedly not awesome.  Now, can we leave the poor guy alone?  Or at least allow him to have some sort of lock installed on his hospital door?

I’m surprised that the powers that be actually put Matt Hunter/Jason Cook in the new opening credits.  That’s like acknowledging that he actually exists.  Now every time the new credits run, people are going to be confused.  “Who is that guy?  Oh, THAT’S right.  He’s the guy who shows up in the hospital once every three or four weeks, says two or three words, and is never seen again.”  And I actually like Jason Cook (old school Shawn and Belle!).  Why they actually keep him on General Hospital when they hardly ever use him is beyond me.  Shawn Brady should go back to Salem, as he used to actually really like Carly Manning.  Plus, his sister Ciara is like a creepy zombie.  Someone in the Brady family should look into that.

Oh, and Dante and Lulu?  Still adorable.

Once more, with feeling.

Oh dear. Carly Manning on Days of Our Lives just exclaimed, “I SHOT MY OWN DAUGHTER.”  Fortunately, unlike Sonny Corinthos, Carly actually has feelings and isn’t a mobster, so she isn’t likely to try to place blame on this on other people.  (I’m looking at you, Sonny, telling Olivia that if she’d only told him about Dante years ago, their lives would all be different.  Sonny might not be the mobster he is today.  Barf.)  Unfortunately for Carly, unlike Sonny, half of Salem hates her for no reason, so she’s likely to be looked down upon for what she’s done, while Sonny gets off scot free.  As always.  Sigh.

Cue the tiny violins.

So, hey, did you guys know that Sonny shot his own son?  Only he didn’t know Dante was his son.  He thought Dante was an undercover cop who had infiltrated the organization in order to take him down, so shooting him was okay.  Until he found out Dante was his own son.  But Sonny cares about his kids, see?  And he was a poor, abused kid, so that makes it okay that he’s in the mob and is responsible for killing other people, because he just wants to give his kids a good life, and if he’d known Dante was his kid, too, maybe he wouldn’t have shot him.  He didn’t know.  It’s not his fault.  Dante should forgive him and want to be his right-hand man now.  It’s not his fault that he shot his own son.

ARGH.  STOP.

Attn: Elizabeth Webber

I think there’s a bed at Shadybrook with your name on it.

Note to self.

If I ever find myself in need of urgent medical care, I hope I never have to receive that medical care at General Hospital in Port Charles, where apparently the ICU lacks employees and is a common area where people are free to come and go as they please, including known mobster hitmen who, the last time they were in the hospital, threatened a patient with a gun.

Most dramatic episode ever.

Except not really.

Have I mentioned how much I love The Bachelor?  The show is pure comedy.  Take this week’s episode for example.  Tenley’s dancing!  Vienna’s dad’s accent!  Gia’s mom!  Gia’s brother’s hair!  Jake’s weird faces!  Jake perfecting his Jason Mesnick moves!  (Lean over balcony or railing.  Scrunch face up.  Weep.)  The mere fact that the women freak out more over smaller events happening than a big event happening!  I know it could all be editing (and probably was), but I love how the women wept like someone just ran over their dog when Rozlyn left, but when Ali leaves?  Nothing.

And, kids out there, honestly?  If you have a nice job, and you have to choose between having a job and sticking around to maybe get picked to “win” on a reality dating show, please pick your job.  Please.  Then when the bachelor invitably breaks up with the “winner,” he’ll realize that you were “the one” after all and call you up and you can date like normal people.  Win-win!

I was thisclose to flinging something at my TV today when the usually awesome Dante lied and said that he shot himself.  (I’m kind of surprised that when he said it, Sonny didn’t barge in and say, “I SHOT MY OWN SON, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW, SEE.  I DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS MY SON.”  That’s all he can say anymore, right?)  But then, Morgan, who is awesome, had to go and visit Dante, and they had to have a really awesome scene together, so all was forgiven, and my TV was spared having something thrown at it.

If I’m Morgan, I’m doing whatever I can to get away from both my mother and my father and making it so that my new big brother, Dante, raises me.

Oh, and Lulu?  Still awesome.  I don’t know when it happened, but I’m really liking this truth-telling Lulu.  “It must be a gift to hypnotize the people you hurt the most to cover your ass.”  YES.  Way, way better than Olivia, who seems to think that Sonny will pay because he’ll be overcome by his guilt.  Yeah, Olivia, that’s a way better punishment than going to prison.  Sure.  Okay.  You just keep thinking that.